The Long, Long Road

I've really been struggling the past few weeks to produce anything "creative," and I know that in and of itself is so broad, but I mean as far as my writing. I haven't written any posts for this blog, nor have I added anything substantial to my WIP. I struggled to even come up with 1,000 words, and even then it wasn't anything I felt particularly proud of.

Entering into a depressive episode is so strange, because sometimes you can kind of recognize that you're standing on that precipice and say "no thanks," and it's kind of like when you have a falling dream and you shock yourself awake before you hit the ground. That jolt, that recognition is enough for your brain to say "okay we've got a red alert on depression all systems go!!!" and you manage to avoid it.

Other times, you're walking along like any other day and suddenly you realize you're standing on a tightrope over a dark chasm. Realizing where you're standing makes you lose your balance, and you fall into the chasm.

And still other times you feel cranky, finding yourself laying in bed whenever you can, and struggling to maintain brain power to focus on the simplest of tasks. Thinking about all of those things together and you realize you are a tightly wound ball of depression.

I don't know if it was the struggle to add anything to my WIP that made me depressed, or if my brain just kind of shuffled into an episode because of my inability to create. It could've been the past few weeks, or it could've been this week. Who knows!

My husband finished the first draft of his novel last night, and two friends of mine who graduated in May have lined up jobs that I know they'll be excellent at. Another girl from my hometown got engaged. All of it leaves me feeling like life is passing me by.

I think the realization that I might be having an "episode" was that, despite how genuinely proud of them I was, and how it should have inspired me and lit a fire under my ass to say "okay!! It's time to go!! Finish your one of your three WIPs, write on your blog, create a D&D campaign just do something!!!!" I found myself struggling to care to come up with any of that motivation.

"Who will read anything I create anyway?" My depression said to me as I lay in bed. "You have tense issues all over the place, your character's motivations don't make sense, and your ending sucks."

I tried to argue for a while, but depression drains you. It became easier to say what it wanted rather than dissuade what it was saying. I arrived late to work, because I'd rather be late than be faced with the prospect of having to sit there, knowing that I would be unable to produce anything substantial for anything I wanted to write. I'd rather do nothing than try and fail, which is what my depression was telling me would happen anyway.

I feel better today. I told my husband how I was feeling, and the best part about being married to him is he's so understanding, even when I have been cranky with him, and I'm sure not mentally present at all for a while. We spent the day together, celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday. The day being surrounded by family, and feeling like I was wanted has made me feel better, at least a little bit.

This blog post is really for me to just say "I can do it," and that I'm not going to give up. My WIP may really suck when I finish it, and no one might read it, and no one might like it. But I should finish it anyway so I can be proud of me, because that's important, too. And even if the first, second, third, fourth drafts really suck, maybe the fifth won't. No one will see those drafts unless I want them to, and if it is published somehow, someway, then the people who read it won't know and won't care how many drafts it took to get there.

Speaking of, I don't know why authors aren't more candid with the number of drafts they go through. Some authors, like J.K. Rowling from what I've seen in interviews, are more open about the process of revision and what it takes to succeed. But then I see so many really just snooty authors who try and say "this book was perfect from the first draft, and if you don't think it's perfect I don't want to talk to you."

The process of writing is difficult. There are so many moments I have where what I am thinking and envisioning in my head becomes this horrific aberration on the page, and I think "how the hell did that happen?" Writing this blog is easier, just because it's more candid I guess, but even still I find myself editing something because it doesn't sound exactly like I want it to.

Now we're getting into ramble territory, so I think I'm going to end this blog post here. I'm not sure if I'm coming up out of the chasm yet or not, but it feels like I'm getting there with this blog post. Maybe I'll even be able to contribute something to my WIP later this week, who knows?