Positives Not Guaranteed
I haven't written anything for my blog in some time. I guess I got caught up in the insanity and thrill of my final semester of college, making sure that I was able to graduate Magna Cum Laude (!!!!!). I was excited for graduation, finally having the ability to put my degree to use and get a full-time job to help me and my husband move forward in our lives.
I thought it would be so easy. One, graduate; two, snatch up my diploma; three, walk into an interview; four, land a job. A four-step plan to help us be settled after years of a complicated balancing act of school and work. But that four step plan didn't stay that way. What was supposed to be a step ladder quickly became a spiral staircase that I'm losing my breath on, repeating ad nauseam.
It's discouraging not being able to find a job. Everyone wants to be able to provide, to contribute something to their family's livelihood. Everyone wants to feel like they're worth something.
When 2017 ended and 2018 ended, I wanted this to be our year. I don't want it to sound as if Ryan and I didn't have good things happen to us in 2017, or 2016, or 2015, because they did. It's not an absence of good things that make me want 2018 to be my year, to be ours, but a desire that the fighting, clawing, and climbing we've been doing will result in something better than the years before.
It may sound as if I'm disillusioned with life after 27 years on this Earth, and maybe I still believe in the idea that the universe will notice that Ryan and I have been playing the hand we've been dealt, and finally decide to give us a royal flush.
When 2018 began, I made a list of New Year's resolutions that I was intent to follow. In 2017 primarily, but in years before that as well, I had put a lot of stock into what other people thought of me, and I wanted to reach a point where I was content with myself, and didn't need validation from another person. By extension, I wanted to feel confident and happy with who I was as a person in all aspects, and I also wanted to have a job where I was happy and felt appreciated with the work that I did. I also wanted to avoid friendships that didn't make me happy, or friendships that made me feel less-than what I was worth.
With the heavily modernized world we live in, everything is given to us almost instantaneously. You can order McDonald's for delivery with Uber Eats, you can get the notifications on the selfie you posted to your phone in real-time. That instant response time makes it feel as if the resolutions you've made aren't happening fast enough.
It may come as a shock but, on day 26 of 2018 I am not miraculously employed at a perfect job with impenetrable self-esteem and the confidence to brush off other's opinions of me. As a result of not having those results immediately, I feel as if my anxiety has been beyond my control.
I saw a counselor during my last semester of school, and she really helped me and provided ways for me to deal with and manage my anxiety in a way that worked for me. At the time, most of my anxieties were related to school, or dealing with problems in the past. These anxieties concerning my resolutions seem so...big. How do I even find a job if I can't get an interview? How do I magically become someone who is well-adjusted, happy with who they are? When do I stop bugging others for reassurance and validation that I'm worthy, that they want to be around me?
When I came back to my blog, I read a few of my other posts, and I actually read the one about having and managing doable goals, and I felt like it was this really teachable moment for me from myself, back from a place where I didn't feel like I was drowning in my own thoughts. I want to be the person who feels like they can achieve the things they want, but by setting big goals for the year I was setting myself up to be this tightly-wound ball of anxiety.
Instead of setting such broad goals from the beginning, I should've taken it one day at a time. I should have instead set out to remind myself of something that I love about myself each day to stave off the negative thoughts about myself that have taken root for a long time. I should have tried to make each day a productive one, whether that be working on job applications to find the job I want, or working on my writing, and also be willing to look at taking care of myself and how I'm feeling as a job of it's own.
I should also examine the things I have already been doing this year in working towards those goals and acknowledging them, instead of focusing on what isn't happening. There are already friendships that I've allowed to fade away because I realized that I was pushing myself, trying to make something from nothing, or that the friendship wasn't equal. I have already started exercising, meditating, learning a new language and focusing on my writing to use this extra time I have not working in ways that helps me. Even though I can't contribute with a paycheck, I want to ensure Ryan knows how much I love him each day, and how thankful I am for the things he does to make sure we're okay.
My anxiety is often too loud, telling me to worry about the what-ifs when things go wrong or when I feel like I can't succeed. Sometimes, it's hard to hear the positives over the panicked tone of worry. From this day onward, I'm trying to focus on what I can do that day to help me reach my goals, and to have patience even when it's difficult. The only positives we're ever guaranteed in this life are the ones we choose to see.
