Feeling Like Myself Again
Today is Ryan and I's fifth anniversary, and I couldn't be more excited to have shared five years with someone who makes me feel so completely an utterly loved and special. Today is also the day his second book "We All Die Trying to Get it Right" is officially released, and I couldn't be more proud of him for following his dreams.
My own dream of being a writer has been on the back burner here lately. It wasn't for lack of wanting it--I would sit at the computer and churn out maybe 500-1,000 words on a given day, and even though that's still real progress even if it's slow, I never felt good about the progress I was making.
And it wasn't just writing. I didn't feel good about a lot of things. I didn't feel good about being home for most of the day, even though Ryan reassured me I was doing all I could to try and find a job, and to make sure the house and dogs were taken care of. I didn't feel good devoting time to my hobbies like playing video games or watching TV, because I always felt like I had to be doing something.
I felt powerless and irritated, frustrated by my lack of progress in all aspects of my life. This was supposed to be MY year! I had put in the hard work to finish my degree, to help make a good life for Ryan and I. I felt like I wanted so many things so badly and wasn't seeing any of the results.
It wasn't until this last weekend that I realized just how bad of a depressive episode I was in. I was irritated and tired pretty much all the time, and it didn't help that I didn't sleep well at night. I lacked real motivation to do much of anything, and when I did, the slightest inconvenience would make me give up. Most days I cycled through a repetition of hobbies I used to love and enjoy, until I got too frustrated or emotionally fatigued to keep going.
Did you know that up to 90% of the body's serotonin production happens in the intestines? I sure didn't. I always thought, "hey, it's a neurotransmitter, it's made in the brain, and when I get depressed, my brain's fucked up." But diet actually plays a huge part in the body's natural production of serotonin, and depression is really sinister when you consider it robs a lot of your motivation to do much of anything--including eating healthy, exercising, or getting sunlight, which are good ways to help the body create healthy levels of serotonin. If you have anxiety like I do, then your body generates more adrenaline and cortisol when you're feeling anxious, and when your body generate those chemicals it lessens the amount of serotonin, so it's this constant vicious cycle.
I think the worst part about feeling like I was being pulled in two directions by my anxiety and depression was I felt like it would never end. I've been doing so much to try to get a good job so I can have insurance so I can see a doctor for medication so I can feel better. That's all I wanted; was to feel better.
And I've started to feel more like myself again. I've actually been taking steps to try and eat healthier, to include better foods in my diet, like yogurt with probiotics for instance that can lead to a healthier intestine, and thus, more serotonin. I've been trying to go outside more, even if it's just to sit in the backyard with the dogs.
And even though I don't feel quite 100% yet, I feel like I have some control over how I feel--and that really was where that feeling of powerlessness came from. Feeling like I was stuck in the passenger's seat of whatever anxiety or depression-driven journey my brain decided to have and being unable to stop it.
And even though I'm not announcing a release date or anything, I'm excited about writing my book again, and just writing in general. As writers, we have a harsh self critic, and when depression is tricking your brain it's even harder to listen to. I was stuck in this infinite loop of repeating the narrative to myself and pointing out all the flaws, but being unsure of how to address them. Today, I felt confident enough to work towards tackling those, and broke 40,000 words.
I wouldn't have been able to do this--any of it, writing a book, working to feel better with my mental health, trying not to worry about not having a job yet--if it wasn't for Ryan. He's always so patient, and so loved, letting me always know how proud of me he is. We've spent the day together and it's been so nice just to have that time with him.
I'm so thankful to have him and to help me heal when I'm having a bad time like I have been, but I'm also thankful that I'm starting to feel like myself again.
